-- spring BREAK?

DON'T EVEN BOTHER READING THIS POST, srsly.

i already started off on the wrong foot. . .i was arguing all day. i'm tired of being lied to -- or at least feeling like i'm being lied to. son, he actually called my phone yelling at me at 12am -- forrreal? that's 4 & a half years of being with somebody & them never yelling at you. coincidentally, the first time he yelled at me was last week & again today.

i'm not even going to repeat what he said besides him saying, ". . .then dead me." i guess, kid. all i said was, "i can't talk right now, i have nothing to say to you" he said whatever & i hung up. i shot him back a text 5 minutes later letting him know i'm not the type to sit around & be yelled at by him, i'm going on a break -- i'll hit you up next monday. . .so here we go. 12:39am our first day apart. we'll see how long this shit lasts.

i keep checking my sidekick but it keeps blinking green. i'm actually on the brink of tears as i sit here but i mean, shit isn't even worth it fam. i've cried enough to hydrate a third world country. & for what? i remember the first time i cried in front of him, it touched him so deeply. said he'd never do it again but that was the biggest lie to date. now when i cry, he ignores it or tells me to shut up because i'm annoying. LOL? yeah, i don't do that anymore; not in front of him, at least.

he's spending the night as his cousins, probably the weekend. that's where he goes to drink, smoke & just be dumb. he said he'd call me tonight but that's obviously out of the window now. he actually had the nerve to blame it on me for taking a nap. we're just fucked up. i've turned into some psycho paranoid chick. ME! Aaliyah Carmen Nieves, i think my ancestors just turned over in their graves, man. i told him straight up that it's gotten so sad that i question everything he tells me. i don't know if it's me, him, or everyone else just in my ear.

this shit is eating at me hard body. i'm "fine" now but as soon as i lay down to sleep i'm gonna shut down. i don't know where to turn, either. everytime i open my mouth to somebody it's, "i told you" or "yeah, you're right. leave him." the fuck am i supposed to do? even if i turn around & try deading it, he'll keep going. nothing will every change. i got Joe Budden on repeat, "i couldn't help it." i guess that's what's keep my sane. i hate that every fucking blog is about this kid. it just goes to show that he is my LIFE -- the good & the bad. he controls my every thought, every move, just everything. there's not one breathe i inhale without me consuming a piece of him with it & everytime i exhale it's like i lost a tiny piece of myself.

i'm definitely not going to sleep tonight. we have a dinner tomorrow at my house, everybody's coming. i hate putting that fake smile on when i just feel like breaking down. i go insane within the four walls of my room but at the same time, i never want to leave. i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i have all my midterms the week i come back, papers & projects to do. i thought a break between me & him would at least let me focus on studying but how can i focus on anything when he IS my focus? it's one thing to think about him all the time when everything's great but imagine how bad my head is when we're fucked up?

my phone's still blinking green. fuck it. i can't help but think this is all my fault for letting shit get to me, but at the same time he's just as fucked up. we're stuck, we always have been. they say once a quiet man shouts -- you got him. i'm told to see him yelling at me as a sealed deal, that he's mine. what type of fucked up logic is that? i pushed him away, i fucked up so bad that it took him out of his comfort zone & completely lashed out on me. then again, his actions over the past few months are just foul. they don't add up whatsoever. i hate that i see everything through every single differet perspective, i guess that's the lawyer in me. maybe i'm just bipolar, a manic depressive? who knows. . .even health wise i've been declining. add another thing onto the list.

i don't even know how to feel right now, i'm completely stoic, indifferent almost. i think i'm done typing for now. don't know what i'm going to do the rest of the time i'm up. most likely, i'm just gonna stare at the ceiling, drowning in my thoughts & my tears. some fucked up shit, right? GOD! i'm doneeeeeeeee. this isn't me, i'm snapping out of it. i hope nobody read this, man.

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"we had a beautiful relationship at one point;

but then that shit changed with the quickness.

now this is how you know we go through phases."